I have a lovely partner - we've been together a couple of years, and my ex wife has a new partner too. He's lovely and loves the kids too. I've rambled on long enough for one post, but if you want to know more about my story, I'm happy to share it. Welcome to posting on here. Thanks for sharing part of your story. I think it helps to know things can get better. I am encouraged by what has happened for you. Thanks from me as well for sharing your story. It seems that one of the important points of your experience is that you came out to yourself before you came out to others.
I think that would be really important when it comes time to sharing emotions with others and dealing with some of the difficulties and questions as well. Coming out to yourself, and accepting that this is just how you are is the hardest step, at least it was for me. One thing I forgot to say earlier which I think is also important is that I feared that by coming out I would lose everything, but it never occurred to me to think about what I might gain.
Quite aside from feeling much less unhappy and stressed straight away in spite of the sadness and difficulties , I also discovered there are lots of men like me - who have been married but are gay. I also met lots of lovely caring people who understood where I was coming from, having experienced something similar themselves. Several guys gave me their phone numbers very clearly saying they were not trying to hit on me, and that I should call them if I ever felt at a loss. I never needed to, but just knowing that there were people out there who understood and who cared enough to do that was a lovely encouraging thing.
I have also made several wonderful friends, one in particular who is also a parent though his kid is grown up , and he comes over for dinner and the kids adore him. He's the person I unload my worries on, and he has a fund of wisdom and experience, and a wicked twinkle in his eye. I guess the point I hope you get is that as well and the things you might lose, there are also things to be gained.
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I think most guys in our situation would tell you that they have gained much more than they lost in a whole-of-life view. Hello Dr Tom. Thank you so much for your post. It made me feel a lot better and gives me some hope for the future. I would love to know more about how you explained things to your children and how they reacted. Your children are a fair bit older than mine but one of my concerns is how me coming out might impact on them.
Thank you so much for pointing out that there are positives too. I tend to focus on all the negative aspects all the time and really need to stop doing that. You're very welcome! I have found happiness I never even realised life contained. Of course, it is not the case that life suddenly becomes easy. My life long susceptibility to anxiety and depression hasn't gone away entirely, but without a doubt I'm in a vastly better place.
My ex wife and I were very much in agreement that we should be up-front though age appropriate with the kids, and I think we made the right call I'll come back to that in a bit. We sat them down and explained through our tears that I had decided that it was not right for me to be together with a woman, and if maybe I had another partner in the future it would be a man. I don't think it meant a whole lot to them then, but it laid a foundation.
Only my eldest really got the gist, but as the following story suggests, it didn't really sink in. A few months later, once I was established in an apartment near-by, my eldest asked "Dad, why do you have a double bed? I replied that the two younger kids often climbed in with me during the night and it would be a bit squashy in a single bed. They've met several of my gay mates, and of course my partner. We don't live together, but he stays over often.
The reason I reckon we made the right call, is that anecdotally, the younger the kids, the less of a deal it is. Let me offer a caveat, which is if you decide to come out, let it be for you - because you've decided that is what you need to do. Doing it or not doing it "for the sake of the kids" is not a good reason.
In my opinion. Hi again Tom. Thanks very much for replying so promptly and for your words of wisdom. It sounds like you and your ex-wife have done a remarkable job explaining it all to your children. I am glad to hear that they have been so accepting. My boys are very young 1 and 4 at the moment. So it won't mean anything to them for quite some time but it is still something I have thought a lot about. With the boys so young I can't bring myself to end my marriage right now.
I really don't think my wife would cope on her own and neither would I. In the same sense I am also aware that it is unhealthy for us to remain together just because it is easier. When you split up with your wife how much time did you spend with the kids? Did you just seem them on weekends or how did you work that out?
Was your wife working at the time?
Sorry to ask all these questions but I can't get my head around all the logistics of it if we split up. These things are certainly complicated!
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And I'll admit I didn't even think about these things when I came out. It was just what I had to do. When we first separated I stayed with friends for about 6 weeks while I found a place and stuff. During this time, I went round for dinner most nights and helped tuck the kids in to bed. On one or two of the weekends I took the kids down to stay at my parents place in the country. Since then we have had a pretty stable routine. I had Friday off every second week, and on that week had the kids from Thursday night through to Monday morning.
The other week I just had them Thursday night. But we also established a "date night" thing which is that once a fortnight one of the kids and one parent do a date night, which depending on age and circumstance might mean take-away pizza and a movie, or going out for burgers, or a documentary at IMAX or something.https://es.dylogeboxy.ga
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So obviously, if my ex is out with one of the kids, I have the other two. This has been a really good thing for the kids, and various friends have copied the idea, even when both parents are still together. As I said, I didn't even really think about what would happen after. I just felt like it was the end of my life as I knew it.
And kind of, it was. But it was also the start of building a new life, one that is much better than I ever imagined. I understand about the difficulty of coping on one's own. Definitely the first year or so was very hard going. Still, I had my lovely bestie who I mentioned. He would come and have dinner with us, and help sooth the bumps through the bed-time routine, and listen while I unloaded on him.
My parents and my sisters had us over for dinner often even though my sisters still have some ambivalence about matters-gay, I think , and my ex wife had family and friends looking after her. Whenever you come out if you choose to do so , it will be hard, at least for a while.
For you. For your wife. For the kids. But as you say, staying is hard too. If you do come out, hopefully the difficulty and pain will represent the start of beating a path though to a happier place. One view to consider is that the sooner you start, the sooner you will all be able to recover and build a new life. Not everyone manages it easily, for sure, and it can take some time to get to a good place, but most people seem to get there.
Hi again everyone. I came close to telling my wife that I am gay last night but I couldn't do it.
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She was upset and saying she wasn't coping and isn't happy. It wasn't the right time to spring this on her but when will be? I told her that I had been thinking about us separating because we have both been unhappy for a long time. She got really upset and said that won't help it will make things worse. I know she is scared of me not being there to help. I really am stuck now. If I bring up my sexuality it's going to look like an excuse to leave and she won't believe me. I know it. I think timing is important, especially with kids involved. Your wife will grieve as will you and one of those stages of grief is anger.
I think you've planted the seed right now. Her response has been the typical first stage of grief. Shock, denial, disbelief.
I'm not saying don't follow who you really are - definitely not saying that. What I am saying is small steps because if you are to end your marriage it needs to be mostly amicable for the kid's sake and the for sake of your future relationship with them. Consider your own emotional health, consider your wife's emotional health and I think play it by ear just like you have done. I told my wife that I think I'm gay last night. I was so nervous but she knew something was wrong and got it out of me. She thought I was having an affair with another woman.
I told her she couldn't be more wrong. She didn't say a lot. I think she was shocked and saddened. She asked what does this mean for us? I told her I don't know at the moment. And that is the truth. I have no idea what I am going to do. I'm seeing a counselor in 2 weeks and am hoping to start working it all out. I am confused and really worried how it will turn out. You did it, there is some relief in that. I think you are right to take your time, there is no knowing exactly where to go from here.
It seems that both of you will need to do lots more talking. Dr Tom's story is a good one. My ex went back to his wife after being with me, they are actually quite happy together, probably more so now she knows about him. It is definitely easier for the kids when they are talking and not fighting.
I guess having watched a man I love figure all this out, I'd say the best thing is to think about what you want life to be like, talk to your wife about her view of the future too. Keep on talking. Hopefully you can find a way that works out for the best like Dr Tom or my ex have done. There is nothing wrong with being gay either. When you feel comfortable enough to share this with your family start slowly. Your family and friends may be shocked, feel grief and go through a process of denial.
Some may deal betrayed. BUT it is up to you to decide who, how and when and if to tell anyone else. You control this situation. I am 48 and came out recently. There were some people who took umbrage, but it was about me, not them. For my own mental health I decided come out. First to some gay friends.
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They helped me and were supportive. Then I told my brother and my girlfriend of 33 years. For most people it was business as usual. Find a gay counselling service who can provide better advice than I. Those that mind, don't matter. In his early thirties, Brin started dating a man and came out to his brother.
For Ethan Robinson not his real name , a year-old film editor from Los Angeles, chasing women during his post-college years became a chore. At straight clubs, you sat around, posed, and tried to affect a degree of indifference. But for some men the sexual confusion is a little longer-term.
Bob not his real name , a year-old artist from Los Angeles, decided he was gay when he was about The ability to go public about their relationships is very important to many gay men — even if it attracts negativity. As a fresher at university, Robin, then 18, fell into a relationship with Dom, Says Robin: He absolutely had per cent control over things; the code of conduct imposed on us was coming from him, not me. Robin decided he would come out, in the hope it would show Dom that it didn't have to be a nightmare. Simon was 17 when his hitherto straight best friend made a move on him.
He would always tell me he wasn't like me, and couldn't be, because he 'had his whole future ahead of him'. The idea that my future was irrelevant and that admitting he was with me would ruin his made me feel worthless and I ended up battling depression for years. Gay men aren't toys to be practised on. Bisexuality was often the only concession to less binary labels, but is and was often a source of derision among straight and gay people alike, characterised by accusations of greed or indecision. The closest anyone got for many years was the advent of metrosexuals — basically straight men who used moisturiser and took longer than five minutes to get ready in the morning — and drunk straight women getting off with each other for a dare.
And even these were very much about straight people play-acting than any serious comment on evolving sexuality. Everybody else had to stay in lane, their labels hanging over them. A sign things could be changing, for the better, are men who are comfortable with their status as a man who sleeps with men, and refuse to be bound by labels.
Years after his straight-guy experience at uni, Robin somehow once again found himself in the middle of another heterosexual man's coming-out story.
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